Helping Your Kids Choose Close Friends Wisely

“The righteous choose their friends carefully but the way of the wicked leads them astray.”
Proverbs 12:26

”Do not be misled: Bad company corrupts good character.” 1 Corinthians 15:33

You can’t choose your children’s friends but you can help them choose close friends wisely.  One of the things that my husband and I agreed on early in our marriage was that we would parent deliberately.  We thought about all of the ways people prepare and plan for big tasks in their lives- weddings, SAT’s, medical boards, driver’s licenses- and yet how easy it is to slide into parenting without a game plan.  So, we spend a lot of time talking about how and why we are doing the things we are doing with our children.  Each phase of life requires re-evaluation and preparation.  Time is so short with them and we want to be good stewards of the responsibility He’s given us. 

Friends are one of those areas.  When kids are little it’s easy to arrange playgroups and be aware of the people they interact with, especially other children.  But as they get older, it becomes a little more difficult.  We see in Proverbs and

1st Corinthians that God has plenty to say to us about friends and how we choose them.  These are important concepts to pass on to our children.  First of all, we are told to choose our friends carefully because otherwise we may be led astray.  Next, we are warned against being deceived into thinking we can be around bad company and not be affected.  Teenagers can be especially vulnerable to both of these pitfalls.

This is where we’ve started implementing some strategies that you may want to consider as well.

1.     Pray for close Christian friends for your children.  God has been so faithful to our family in this regard.  My daughter has had three close friends move in the past two years but each one moved in just as the other was moving out.  He provided friendships in His perfect timing.    He listens and knows the desires of your heart. 

2.     Cultivate family relationships.  Friendships are very important and should be encouraged but we always have to keep in mind that our relationships with siblings and parents will last a lifetime.  Many parents in the name of “letting their children grow up” actually let them grow away from the family during the teenage years.  They buy into the myth that kids can only mature outside of their parents. I believe it’s just the opposite.  Now is the time to give them as much freedom as possible while providing as much support and guidance as possible.  

3.     Be the gatekeeper for your children’s heart. You’re the parent.  You can set ground rules about who is allowed to influence them.  This is especially important for older children who are forming worldviews.  Encourage your children to be kind and loving to all but to be very selective when it comes to forming close friendships.  You can help by observing your children’s friends and keeping an open dialog with them about what’s going on with their friendships.  Don’t be deceived into thinking that your child won’t be affected by humanistic worldviews if that’s what they hear all day from the people they are around.   We’ve had to make some difficult decisions to remove our children from certain situations where negative influences were creeping in and it has been one of the best things we’ve ever done for them.

4.     Get involved in their lives and the lives of the kids they like to be with.  Make your house the cool place to be.   The safe place for friends to hang out.  If you are cultivating family relationships your children will likely enjoy spending time with you and sharing your family life with others.   This can also be a great opportunity to be a model and show love to your children’s friends.

5.     Keep communication open so kids will feel free to come to you with questions and concerns. When kids know that you have their best interest in mind, that you will love them no matter what, and that you will speak the truth, they have freedom to view you as their best advisor.  When kids decide that their parents aren’t really that wise, available or interested, they begin to listen to their peers more and get led astray.

6.     Guide them toward places where they will likely encounter friends who will build them up and encourage them to follow Christ.  As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.   This seems like a no brainer but if your kids aren’t around other Christians it can be hard to grow.  They don’t have to do things exclusively with Christians but the people they spend the most time with are going to influence them the most.  Jesus modeled this for us.  He was very selective about the friends he brought into his inner circle but he was loving to all and spent time investing in friendships with all sorts of people.  He was in the world but not of it.    Christian schools, home school groups, church, para-church organizations and school clubs are good places to find friends for your children’s hearts. 

7.     Have frank discussions about friendships.  What is a friend? What are important qualities in a friend?  How can you be a friend to others?  What kinds of people do you think you should let into your inner circle of folks who influence you?  How can you be a friend to those who believe very differently from you without compromising your faith?  

8.     Import friends.  Find like-minded families and get together.   There are other families out there who are parenting deliberately.  You’re not the only one who is choosing to use these teenage years to grow closer to your children rather than farther apart.  Find these families and cultivate relationships.  Do whatever you need to do to make it easy for your children to develop friendships with children you believe to be good influences. 

Again, you can’t choose your children’s friends for them but you can shape their environment so they have the tools in their box they need to make wise decisions about close friends.   

“Don’t Fling me in Dat Brierpatch!”

            “Don’t fling me in dat brierpatch!” is one of our favorite family sayings.  If you are familiar with this phrase, from Uncle Remus, then consider yourself old.  You were around before the PC police censored everything that could remotely offend- like Huckleberry Finn.  I grew up in Georgia reading Joel Chandler Harris’ collections of trickster tales, animals stories and plantation folklore told in the Gullah dialect of the deep south.  The effect of my exposure to these tales was far from detrimental to me, in fact, just the opposite.  They gave me an appreciation of the life and times of slaves during the post-reconstructionist era in Atlanta.  Their wit and wisdom were qualities I admired, and as a girl, I honestly didn’t even realize that the stories were about slaves- they were just people to me.  People and a culture that I came to love.

 The stories are difficult to read because the dialogue is written phoenetically, so that the reader takes on the Gullah dialect.  Reading this way makes the stories seem that much more alive to me and as a girl they completely drew me in to the culture and times.   Fables are safe stories because they expose truth without pointing directly at the offender or the dupe. 

The story of “Don’t fling me in dat brier patch!” is one that makes me smile.   Brer Rabbit has just been bested by the tar baby and Brer Fox is laughing at him.  Brer Fox declares that he is finally going to barbeque Brer Rabbit and have him for lunch.   Employing a cunning use of reverse phychology, Brer Rabbit says, “burn me, drown me, skin me, just don’t fling me in dat brierpatch!”  of course, Brer Fox does just that and Brer Rabbit ends up right back where he was “born and bred”- the place he most wants to be- the brierpatch.

So you can see why this is a favorite family saying.  It has all kinds of uses.  We often invert it.  For instance:

Sister 1 “I’m going to go to Macy’s, want to come?”

Sister 2 “Throw me in dat Brier Patch!”

You’re already killing time reading this blog so you can take 10 minutes and read an Uncle Remus Story if you’ve never done so.  I got this one from this site: http://www.uncleremus.com/sharprabbit.html. But dat’s needer yer ner dar.

HOW MR. RABBIT WAS TOO SHARP FOR MR. FOX

“UNCLE REMUS,” said the little boy one evening, when he had found the old man with little or nothing to do, “did the fox kill and eat the rabbit when he caught him with the Tar-Baby?” “Law, honey, ain’t I tell you ’bout dat?” replied the old darkey, chuckling slyly. “I ’clar ter grashus I ought er tole you dat, but old man Nod wuz ridin’ on my eyeleds ’twel a leetle mo’n I’d a dis’member’d my own name, en den on to dat here come yo mammy hollerin’ atter you. “W’at I tell you w’en I fus’ begin? I tole you Brer Rabbit wuz a monstus soon creetur; leas’ways dat’s w’at I laid out fer ter tell you. Well, den, honey, don’t you go en make no udder calkalashuns, kaze in dem days Brer Rabbit en his fambly wuz at de head er de gang w’en enny racket wuz on han’, en dar dey stayed. ‘Fo’ you begins fer ter wipe yo’ eyes ’bout Brer Rabbit, you wait en see whar’bouts Brer Rabbit gwineter fetch up at. But dat’s needer yer ner dar. “W’en Brer Fox fine Brer Rabbit mixt up wid de Tar-Baby, he feel mighty good, en he roll on de groun’ en laff. Bimeby he up’n say, sezee: “‘Well, I speck I got you dis time, Brer Rabbit,’ sezee; ‘maybe I ain’t, but I speck I is. You been run-nin’ roun’ here sassin’ atter me a mighty long time, but I speck you done come ter de een’ er de row. You bin cuttin’ up yo’ capers en bouncin’ ’roun’ in dis neighberhood ontwel you come ter b’leeve yo’se’f de boss er de whole gang. En den youer allers some rs whar you got no bizuess,’ sez Brer Fox, sezee. ‘Who ax you fer ter come en strike up a ’quaintance wid dish yer Tar-Baby? En who stuck you up dar whar you iz? Nobody in de roun’ worril. You des tuck en jam yo’se’f on dat Tar-Baby widout waitin’ fer enny invite,’ sez Brer Fox, sezee, ‘en dar you is, en dar youll stay twel I fixes up a bresh-pile and fires her up, kaze rm gwineter bobby-cue you dis day, sho,’ sez Brer Fox, sezee. “Den Brer Rabbit talk mighty ’umble. “‘I don’t keer w’at you do wid me, Brer Fox,’ sezee, ‘so you don’t fling me in dat brier-patch. Roas’ me, Brer Fox’ sezee, ‘but don’t fling me in dat brierpatch,’ sezee. “‘Hit’s so much trouble fer ter kindle a fier,’ sez Brer Fox, sezee, ‘dat I speck I’ll hatter hang you,’ sezee. “‘Hang me des ez high as you please, Brer Fox,’ sez Brer Rabbit, sezee, ‘but do fer de Lord’s sake don’t fling me in dat brier-patch,’ sezee. “‘I ain’t got no string,’ sez Brer Fox, sezee, ‘en now I speck I’ll hatter drown you,’ sezee. “‘Drown me des ez deep ez you please, Brer Fox,’ sez Brer Rabbit, sezee, ‘but do don’t fling me in dat brier-patch,’ sezee. “‘Dey ain’t no water nigh,’ sez Brer Fox, sezee, ‘en now I speck I’ll hatter skin you,’ sezee. “‘Skin me, Brer Fox,’ sez Brer Rabbit, sezee, ‘snatch out my eyeballs, t’ar out my years by de roots, en cut off my legs,’ sezee, ‘but do please, Brer Fox, don’t ffing me in dat brier-patch,’ sezee. “Co’se Brer Fox wanter hurt Brer Rabbit bad ez he kin, so he cotch ’im by de behime legs en slung ’im right in de middle er de brier-patch. Dar wuz a considerbul flutter whar Brer Rabbit struck de bushes, en Brer Fox sorter hang ’roun’ fer ter see w’at wuz gwineter happen. Bimeby he hear somebody call ’im, en way up de hill he see Brer Rabbit settin’ crosslegged on a chinkapin log koamin’ de pitch outen his har wid a chip. Den Brer Fox know dat he bin swop off mighty bad. Brer Rabbit wuz bleedzed fer ter fling back some er his sass, en he holler out: “‘Bred en bawn in a brier-patch, Brer Fox—bred en bawn in a brier-patch!’ en wid dat he skip out des ez lively ez a cricket in de embers.”

Cozying up with Foxe’s Book of Martyrs

The Christian Martyrs' Last Prayer by Jean-Leon Gerome, 1883

            There are some books that make you want to curl up with a cup of tea and enjoy.  Foxe’s Book of Martyrs is not one of those books.  It makes you squirm.  John Foxe lived in the 1500’s and was a student of church history.  When Bloody Mary, Queen of Scotts came to power in England, she was determined to crush the Protestant church.  Foxe, a protesting Catholic, fled to Europe.  While in exile, he began to compile the stories of Christian martyrs starting with the first martyr, Stephen, and continuing to the years preceding John Wycliffe, the Morning Star of the Reformation.  Upon Mary’s death Foxe returned to England and continued cataloguing the brutal suffering and deaths of the saints under her rule.  This compilation has been revised and added to over the years and is now called “Foxe’s Book of Martyrs”.  Newer versions include martyrs up to the twenty first century.   Page after page recounts the stories of Christians burned, boiled, cut into pieces, flogged, kidnapped, beaten, tortured, starved, imprisoned, exiled, discriminated against, and shot.

            Why would one want to read such a book- or assign it to their 9^th grader?  (This was what my 9^th grader asked.)  Actually, he is an avid reader and although martyrdom is not his favorite genre he acquiesced.  Let me back up a bit here.  Our school is classical/eclectic, in that I employ lots of different teaching methods but overall I am following the classical model of education.  This model is known for three stages of education: grammar, logic and rhetoric.  A high value is placed on studying original sources as opposed to having textbooks synthesize information and present it to you with the bias of a team of writers. A lot of time is spent teaching how to think rather than what to think.   Now, I definitely use textbooks for some of our subjects but I  also see the importance of going back to these primary documents in order to get the whole picture.  So, this means that instead of telling the kids that there were lots of Christian martyrs and that a man named Foxe wrote a book about them, we will read it.

A martyr is one who “bears witness.”    The modern connotation suggests untimely death as the ultimate price borne by those who wear the title but Foxe also included the emperor Constantine, John Wycliff and Martin Luther although they died naturally. He considered their work and suffering on account of Christ to sufficiently bear witness to his saving power.   Foxe was writing as an eyewitness to many of the horrors he recounted during the turbulent times in which he lived.  

So, again, why read this book?  Well, because it reminds us that often the church thrives when it is persecuted.  And just as importantly, when the church is strong and growing, it often leads to persecution.  Early church leader, Turtullian, said it best, “the blood of the martyrs is the seed of the church.”  This seems counterintuitive.  How could Jesus’ followers be strengthened by their own suffering and destruction?  Because that’s how God said it would be. Christians are commanded to follow in the willing sufferings of Christ. “For even unto this were you called: because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that you should follow his steps: Who did no sin, neither was guile found in his mouth: Who, when he was reviled, reviled not again; when he suffered, he threatened not; but committed himself to him that judges righteously: Who his own self bore our sins in his own body on the tree, that we, being dead to sins, should live unto righteousness: by whose stripes you were healed” (I Peter 2:21-24).

Jesus sacrificial death was sufficient.  Christians do not have to add to the finished work of Christ. So what is the point of their sharing in His suffering and death on account of the gospel?  It is this.  The blood of the martyrs, sacrificed willingly and with joy, is the most powerful witness to the truth, love and power of Christ this side of heaven.

After reading 400 pages of the testimonies of a host of saints who followed Christ even unto death, it causes me to contemplate a couple of questions.  Am I prepared to stand firm for Christ to the end and joyfully embrace suffering, persecution and even death for the sake of the gospel?  Am I being faithful to pray for the persecuted church of today?  More importantly, if someone accused me of being a follower of Jesus, would there be enough evidence in my life to condemn me?

A Shot of Fall

            There is no complaining in Hawaii.  If you are blessed to live here, you have to overlook the few drawbacks.  One of those, for me, is that it is perpetually spring and summer.  Cry me a river, you say.  I know.  I know.  If I want fall I can get on a plane and go visit it somewhere else- that’s not PARADISE.   

           

            Usually around this time of year, mid September, my internal clock starts to become a bit unsettled.   With no crisp, cool weather and leaves starting to turn and fall, I feel a little out of sorts.  This usually doesn’t last long though because I have a pumpkin bread recipe that gives me just the shot of autumn I need.  You should give it a try.  If you’re feeling frisky you can grate your own fresh ginger and add chocolate chips.  You are the boss in your kitchen.

Drew’s “Shot of Fall” Pumpkin Bread

2 c. flour

1/2 c. butter or margarine, softened

2 cups sugar

2 eggs

1 (16 ounce) can of pumpkin

¼ c. apple sauce

1 t. baking soda

½ t. baking powder

½ t. salt

1 t. ground nutmeg

1 t. ground cloves

1 t. cinnamon

1 t. ground ginger- or grated fresh

Combine flour, baking powder, soda, salt and spices.  Set aside.  Beat margarine, butter and sugar till smooth.  Add eggs one at a time, beating well after each.  Add applesauce and pumpkin.  Beat mixture till light and fluffy.  Gradually add dry ingredients beating at a low speed until combined.  Spread into 2 lightly greased 9X5X3 inch loaf pans.  Bake at 325 for 1 hour and 15 minutes.  Cool in pan for 10 minutes and then remove to cool on a rack.  Enjoy fall. 

            

Technology in the Homeschool: Gettin’ your Tech On

            Technology moves so quickly it’s hard to keep up. Smart phones, Facebook, iPads, Twitter.  Sometimes it’s tempting to get overwhelmed, stick our heads in the sand and declare that we just aren’t going to get with it.  When my son, now 14, was 4 years old we were on the phone with Grammy and she mentioned something about the Grand Canyon to him.  “Do you know what the Grand Canyon is?” she asked him.  “No, but I know where I can find out- www.grandcanyon.com!”  This was in 2001.  I can’t imagine what the average four year old knows now.   The information age has completely leveled the educational playing field as far as knowledge acquisition goes.  If your 10 year old wants to, he can take open college classes from professors at Harvard, Stanford, Yale, MIT and countless others in just about any subject.   

            The Internet was made for lifelong, self-motivated learners, which is what many homeschoolers are.  It has shrunk the world down into a global classroom. Home schools can and should be utilizing technology as much or more than traditional schools. Things are only going to move ahead.  Technology will never regress.  You’re on the information superhighway and there are no exits.  There’s never been a better time to incorporate technology into your classroom. 

How can you do this?  I thought you’d never ask.  I just happen to have 10 ideas.

1.     Buy a keyboarding program or use the free BBC Dancemat Typing online and teach your kids to type correctly as early as possible.   Like in kindergarten.  Almost everything they do (written) for the rest of their lives will be digital.  Sure, they can hunt and peck like you do, and they’ll have to learn to text with two thumbs too, but teaching them to type with all ten fingers will be a great gift. 

2.     Elementary school age children should type, print and turn in compositions at least once every other week.   This gives them practice typing, formatting, using word processing programs and printing.  Middle and High School age children should type all compositions and research papers and should send an electronic copy to you via e-mail or upload it to a school wiki.  (I’ll write another post on school wikis).  You should give certain assignments that have time/date stamp deadlines.  This means that the assignment has to be uploaded to the wiki or in your e-mail inbox by 1200 on September 16^th or it’s late and has points taken off.  That’s real life.  It feels funny at first saying “Have you e-mailed me your paper?”  when they are sitting right next to you but it helps keep everyone on schedule.    They should also be cranking out Excel charts and Power Point presentations on a regular basis. 

3.     Assign video reports and other digital media reports.  There are tons of resources for teaching basic film production skills.  Heck, your kids can probably figure this one out all by themselves as well.  We use iMovie, Glogster and Animoto for education. If you’re comfortable, post them to You Tube or their blog. 

4.     Start a school blog.  Thursdays are "Blog and Log" at our house. (More about logging later.) We have a private blog site that is password protected because we’re not ready for them to have an internet presence right now.  They can share the password with friends and family but no one else sees it.  They blog about whatever they want to.  A few times, I’ve assigned topics, but life is exciting.  There’s always something to blog about.  This is the modern equivalent of a creative writing journal.  It doesn’t have to be perfect or profound.  Just write.

5.     Use online quizzing and flash card sites.  I like Quia and Quizlet.   You can make your own flashcards or find ones that others have already made, develop tests, games and quizzes. I recently found  Rosetta Stone Spanish vocabulary flashcards ready made so I didn'thave to reinvent the wheel.  

6.     Take online classes.  We’ve enjoyed Veritas Scholars Academy.  My son’s classmates are from Australia, Tajikistan, Philippines, Florida, Hawaii, Pennsylvania and a fabulous teacher in California.  The kids in these types of classes are all extremely bright, articulate and self motivated.  (You have to be to be taking a Literature class from 9:00 pm-10:30!)  Flat world. 

7.     Set up a school wiki.  We use the free wikispaces for education.  You can establish a private wiki where you can compile text, images, files, movies and more.  Wikis are easy to set up.  There are tutorials on the website. 

8.     Utilize online math tutorials and practice sites.  We really like IXL.  It is a subscription site and I assign extra practice problems that correspond with their regular curriculum.  The site is fun and assures mastery of the concept before they can go further.  They just added Algebra. 

9.     Use online videos and teaching tools like Khan Academy and You Tube (with caution) to reinforce concepts.  We have had hours of entertaining science fun watching vintage Julius Sumner Miller explain physics concepts.  Google him.  He’s a gem. 

10. Use Skype to interview someone.  Everyone has Skype- right?  Arrange an interview with an expert to learn about whatever you are studying right now.

Well, that should keep you busy until my next post.  Welcome to the 21^st century.  Get with it. 

Till Death Do Us Part

2 Timothy 4:3

“For the time will come when men will not put up with sound doctrine.  Instead, to suit their own desires they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear.” 

Marriage is difficult.  Even under the best of circumstances, there are challenges for every couple.  Add an illness like Alzheimer’s or cancer, or an accident that leaves one partner disabled, and the stress grows exponentially.  That’s why God requires us to enter into a covenant with our spouse.  When we say “I do”, we are promising that we will stay united with our spouse in sickness or health, for richer or poorer.  It comes off the lips so easily on our wedding day but what happens when we are faced with the realities of this promise?  Countless couples are doing just that. 

This week,(9/15/11) Pat Robertson said that Alzheimer’s is a "kind of death" that makes divorce justifiable.   On air, he counseled a man that it would be understandable to divorce his wife and marry another woman. The Alzheimers had altered the wife he knew.  She was nothing like the woman he had fallen in love with years ago.  She couldn’t remember him anymore.  

Robertson’s advice is completely contradictory to everything we read in scripture.  Marriage is a depiction of Christ’s sacrificial love for us, his church. (Ephesians 5:25-32)  He promises never to leave us or forsake us. (Hebrews 13:5)  He loves us unconditionally.  Even when we have no capacity to love Him back.  In fact, that is the way we came to Him- completely without merit.  Nothing to offer.   

            If God only loved us when we were perfect and loveable, who could stand?  His glory is made manifest in the fact that He loves us, not because of the righteous things we have done but because of His mercy.  (Titus 3:5)  God is love.  Love was demonstrated to us in the crucified form of Christ.  He sacrificed his very life for His Bride, who could give nothing in return.  Our marriages should be reflections of this profound mystery. 

            In Matthew 25, Jesus tells his disciples that when they demonstrated servant hearted, sacrificial love to the “least of these” they were doing it unto Him.  He also had a harsh rebuke and condemnation for those who chose to live for self.    We are created to bring Him glory but we don’t get to decide how He will demonstrate it in our lives. Trials are God’s way of making us mature and complete, lacking nothing. (James 1:2-4)  This is a mystery, but instead of looking for a way out of a trial  we should look to the Lord to walk us through the trial so that He can be glorified all the more.           

            Husbands are told to love their wives as Christ loved the church.   (Ephesians 5:25)   This analogy makes it clear that divorce because of sickness, irreconcilable differences, decreased capacity to demonstrate love, lack of usefulness, or falling “out of love”, is not an option for believers. 

Take THAT Sock Monster!

I have just spent what may be my smartest $50.00 in a long while.  At least it’s the most satisfying (after the dehydrator, of course.)  120 pairs of Sock Locks!  Four different colors for four different family members.  My troubles are over.  I have lost an inordinate amount of time sorting socks and trying to find homes for orphans….well, let’s see here.  Exactly how much time have I lost – in just 1 year of sock sorting?  Thankfully, I am a home school mother and so I have been brushing up on my math skills.   Let’s work this out.

8 loads of laundry per week X 52 weeks = 416 loads per year

416 loads x 20 minutes sorting socks and getting frustrated = 8320 minutes

8320 hours / 60 minutes per hour = 139 hours

139 hours / 24 hours per day = 5.75 days! 

            Folks, that’s too much time.  I’m not doing it anymore.  I draw the line today.   This evening I Googled “sock sorter” hoping that someone still manufactures those little plastic sock rings.  Hallelujah!  Yes, you can buy them in bulk.  There is a truckload winging its way to my door as we speak.

            It is a common fact that there is a sock monster that lives in every home.  Especially when there are teenage boys afoot. It is a veritable sock sucking vortex from some unseen netherworld.  I constantly buy 12 packs of socks for my son and he’s constantly telling me he doesn’t have any.  I have no idea what happens to them.  I’ve tried every kind of organization thing (except sock locks).  We’ve bought special ones with black toes just for him.  I’ve punished all socks- matched or unmatched by throwing them all out and starting over again.  Hmmm, this might have contributed to the problem...I’ve even threatened to ban socks altogether- for goodness sake we live in Hawaii!  No one needs socks here.  All to no avail.  I keep ending up with a half a basket of mismatched socks and hardly any happy pairs.  So, I am hanging my hopes on you, sock locks.  Please don’t let me down.